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The Coach’s Dilemma - Stop Saving People Who Drain You

  • Writer: Edward Graves
    Edward Graves
  • May 21
  • 3 min read

THE WEIGHT OF RESCUE

Post 01: The Coach’s Dilemma – Stop Saving People Who Drain You

Compassion is a gift—until it becomes your leash.


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Some athletes show up with raw talent, no question. You see it in how they move, how they compete, how they dominate without even realizing it. But then you meet their entourage—parents, drama, constant emotional crisis—and suddenly, that gift starts costing you more than it’s worth.


Last season, I had one of the best athletes on my girls’ team. Fast, gifted, and explosive—the kind you could build a whole relay around. But week after week, it wasn’t just about training. It was managing conflict. With her. With her parents. With the rest of the team trying to breathe around the chaos. No matter how much I invested—meetings, emotional coaching, making exceptions—it drained not just me, but the spirit of the team.


Eventually, we let go.


And what happened? The team got lighter. The locker room got calmer. And the wins didn’t stop. We pulled together, refocused, and won a championship without that athlete. It was a hard-earned reminder: sometimes subtraction adds more than loyalty ever could.


This isn’t new. Coaches in college and pro sports face this every season.


Look at Urban Meyer’s downfall at Florida. For years, he protected and enabled certain star athletes despite red flags—legal issues, violent behavior, lack of accountability. His compassion (or maybe ambition) came without boundaries. The result? Championships, yes—but also a toxic legacy and a program in need of a rebuild the second he left.


Or take Antonio Brown with the Steelers and the Buccaneers. Coaches bent over backwards. Tomlin absorbed years of sideline antics because AB produced. And in Tampa, Brady pulled him into his home, vouched for him, tried to salvage what remained of his elite potential. But in the end, no amount of compassion could fix what the person refuses to address themselves. It all fell apart—publicly, explosively—and they blamed the very people who tried to help.


This is the coach’s dilemma.


We’re wired to build, to develop, to reach back and pull up. But when that becomes a rescue mission without limits, we’re no longer coaching—we’re sacrificing. And worse, we’re teaching the rest of our team that talent excuses behavior and that the team’s peace is negotiable.


It’s not.


A good coach shapes athletes. A great one knows when to stop pouring into someone who’s poked holes in the cup. Compassion isn’t supposed to come at the cost of the culture. Boundaries don’t mean you don’t care. They mean you care about everyone—including yourself.


Let this be permission: You’re not a bad coach for letting go. You’re a stronger one for refusing to let the weight of one person sink the entire season.





COACH’S COMEBACK PLAN



Three Moves When You’re Being Drained by a Player or Parent:


  1. Put the Culture First—In Writing.


    Document your team values and behavioral standards. Revisit them with the team regularly. When conflict arises, refer back to these, not your emotions.


  2. Hold a Mirror, Not a Crutch.


    Replace rescue tactics with accountability checkpoints. Ask the athlete: “What’s your plan for turning this around?” If they can’t lead their own recovery, you shouldn’t be carrying it.


  3. Plan for Life After the Player.


    Draft a real, executable Plan B. Practice it. Visualize it. If you’re terrified to lose the athlete, they already have too much power. Take it back—strategically, not reactively.



Bonus: Let your team watch you protect the culture. It builds more trust than trying to save the one who’s breaking it.






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